The IVF journey: “Sharing my story through writing and conversations with friends helped me navigate the isolation of infertility”

I never imagined my story would resonate with so many people. Though light-hearted and humorous, my book was born out of my own experience and the realisation that there was a lack of resources available for men navigating the infertility journey. I found there was little out there that addressed the male perspective—an often-overlooked narrative in the broader conversation about trying to conceive. My aim was to fill that gap and provide a voice to those who felt unheard. Since then, my journey through IVF has taken on a new chapter, and it's one that I feel compelled to share.

This isn't just my story; it’s a story shared by countless couples struggling with fertility. As anyone who has been through IVF will tell you, it’s a road paved with hope, heartache, perseverance, and, ultimately, love.

The early realisation: Things weren’t going to be easy

My wife and I started trying for children, like many couples do, full of excitement and anticipation. We were hopeful, but as months turned into years without any sign of success, doubt began to creep in. Infertility wasn’t something I had ever considered. As men, we’re often conditioned to think that virility and fertility go hand-in-hand – anything less feels impossible, or even emasculating. Yet there we were, grappling with the harsh reality of our situation.

When the doctors confirmed that the issue lay with me, I was overwhelmed by guilt and frustration. The weight of my role in our struggles felt suffocating, leading to a spiral of negative thoughts and self-doubt. Writing became a crucial outlet for me during this time; it allowed me to process my feelings and inject humour into what felt like an insurmountable burden. Through the act of writing, I discovered a sense of relief and clarity that helped to alleviate some of the emotional turmoil. However, IVF is no laughing matter. It’s a serious, gruelling process that is mentally exhausting for both partners. While humour offered a temporary escape, the reality of the situation forced me to confront my vulnerabilities and navigate a complex emotional landscape.

The decision to try IVF

Initially, we went to the clinic for tests and consultations, but it soon became clear that IVF was our best shot at parenthood. It wasn’t a tough decision to make, but it didn’t feel like a natural or easy step. I had always envisioned having children the “traditional” way, and the idea of assisted reproductive technology felt foreign. The transition from discussing our options to actually embarking on IVF happened quickly, leaving us feeling somewhat out of control.

Once we committed to the IVF journey, it became all-consuming. Suddenly, our lives revolved around doctors’ appointments, medication regimens, and procedures. Initially, we approached the process with cautious optimism; IVF offered a glimmer of hope that we hadn’t felt in months, yet it also came with no guarantees.

The rollercoaster ride of hope and heartache

IVF is a challenging journey, physically for women and emotionally for both partners. While my wife endured hormone treatments, injections, and constant monitoring, I felt a mix of admiration and helplessness. Men’s contributions may seem straightforward—providing a sperm sample—but the emotional weight is significant. Questions like, “Will this work? What if it fails? How will we balance work with all this?” weighed heavily on my mind.

The stakes are high, with limited opportunities for treatment in some areas, adding to the stress of financial concerns. The anticipation surrounding egg collection and fertilisation is intense, and the devastation of a negative result after our first attempt left me questioning our chances for success. Sharing my story through writing and conversations with friends helped me navigate the isolation of infertility. It became evident that many couples face similar struggles, even if they often remain hidden.

The mental health impacts of this journey are profound, affecting confidence, relationships, and overall emotional well-being. Anxiety, stress, and depression became constant companions, as did feelings of inadequacy. It’s crucial to recognise how infertility can strain relationships, both mentally and physically. By openly discussing our experiences and supporting one another, we began to lessen the burden, making the journey a little more bearable.

The time to reflect

In reflecting on this journey, I’ve come to understand the importance of sharing these experiences, not only for myself but for others who may feel isolated in their struggles. By addressing the male perspective on infertility and IVF, I hope to foster a sense of community and understanding for those navigating this complex and often heart-wrenching path.

A message to those still on the IVF journey

If there’s one thing, I can leave you with, it’s this: Don’t lose hope. IVF is a marathon, not a sprint. It will test your limits in more ways than one.

Whether you’re just starting IVF, or you’ve been on this journey for a while, know that you’re not alone. There are countless others who understand what you’re going through, and while it may seem like an uphill battle, the view from the top is incredible. Our little Maya Faith was born in September 2018 after a successful round of IVF, and her name, Faith, carries a special meaning for us—it’s a reminder of the hope and perseverance that brought us to that special moment.

About the author:

Scott Deighton, a 36-year-old from Leeds, is a director of construction company Everlast Group. In his day-to-day life, Scott oversees certain operations, ensuring projects run smoothly while fostering a collaborative work environment. Scott has great passion for football with Leeds United being his club for life and not just the good times! He is a new author as of 2024 with the debut book, My Boys Can't Swim, which offers a humorous and heartfelt look at the challenges of fatherhood, reflecting on his own experiences balancing work and family life. Outside of his professional commitments, Scott enjoys spending quality time with his family and exploring new adventures.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this blog are those of the author, they do not necessarily represent the views of the HFEA.