Donor Conception: things to consider before applying for information

Learning more about your donor may help you create a greater understanding of your own identity, your genetic origins and provide a more comprehensive understanding of who you are and where you came from. You may have curiosities about who your donor is, their motivation for donating, perhaps you are wondering what they look like, whether they have a family, whether you have any genetic siblings, along with a wide range of other curiosities about your donor, ranging from knowing more about theirs and your medical history to whether you share any similarities such as looks, behaviours, characteristics, thoughts and values or you may simply be curious about whether you share the same likes and dislikes of certain foods. The reasons could be endless but importantly they are unique, meaningful and personal to you.

Whatever your motives, it is essential you consider carefully your reasonings and particularly your expectations. Have you considered what your expectations are?

It is likely to be an emotional time and you may be experiencing a range of emotions; you may feel apprehensive, vulnerable, anxious, scared, uncertain or you may be feeling hopeful and excited and even empowered that you potentially have access to information. However, it is importantly to take care of your emotional well-being and prepare for a range of different outcomes and possibilities.

Think about what is motivating you to apply for the information now? What else is happening in your life right now? Have you shared with a parent that you are considering applying for information or perhaps it feels too difficult to share your curiosity with them, perhaps you are worried you may upset them or perhaps you are worried they may deter you? Do you have a support network around you? Whether that’s a family member, a friend or professional support?

The Information donors provided at the time of their donation is likely to vary in detail and therefore the information you receive may not be what you were expecting or assumed you would always be able to have. Whilst the information you receive may identify your donor it may not necessarily transpire into tracing and having contact or a relationship with your donor. The information held may simply be out of date and your donor may never have updated their contact details. Have you considered whether you want to try and reach out to your donor? And if so, have you envisaged and considered how you would like the first contact to be? Might this be by written communication such as a letter or an email? Or by telephone, messaging or even via social media sites after all social media platforms were formed to universally connect people. You may only receive their last known postal address for example with no other contact details available; have you considered what, if any action you would then take and how you might feel?

Have you thought about what you might write or say in your initial contact? Your donor may not even know of your existence, perhaps not aware they were able to find out if their donation was successful or perhaps chose not to find out for their own personal reasons, of course, on the other hand he/she may have been wondering about their donation over the years and hoping that one day you would reach out. What will your coping strategies be whilst awaiting a response and what feelings may come up for you during this period? How will you get on with everyday life whilst awaiting a response and have you considered you may change your mind? Many donor conceived people express a desire to let their donor know of their existence sometimes for validation, self-worth or perhaps wanting acknowledgement from their donor that their action of donation had had an outcome and the outcome is YOU. How might it be if your donor does not respond or ultimately you are unable to make contact?

Perhaps you are considering only receiving the information and not acting on it or you may have a strong sense of wanting to meet with your donor. Perhaps you want to meet and connect with his/her family; their partner, their children, their wider family such as their parents and siblings. Have you thought about what this connection looks like in the short term, the long term and the possibility of the donor and his/her family members being unwilling to engage in communication and/or contact with you or their desire to have a relationship which does not match your own expectations. How do you think you might react? What do you imagine this will feel like for you? Donors have no legal obligation to connect with you and their family may not even be aware of their donation. If you are unable to locate your donor or your donor does not want, contact it is important to remember that this does not diminish you and your own worth or identity.

Reaching out and attempting to discover more information about your donor and even connecting with him/her is likely to be a very personal, meaningful and powerful journey. The information you receive and any actions you may take can lead to invaluable insights about yourself, your identity, health and emotional well-being with a range of emotions such as jealousy, envy, anger, sadness, curiosity, happiness which are all completely normal.

It may seem that there are more questions than answers right now. It’s important your expectations are realistic and you are prepared for different outcomes and hence why it’s essential you have the opportunity to talk your thoughts through with somebody you trust whether that’s a parent, friend, support network or counsellor to help prepare and manage your expectations. Ultimately the decision to seek further information about your donor is yours. Remember, your journey of self-discovery is unique to you and your own narrative. Consider talking through your expectations and any hopes and fears with a family member, friend, support network or a counsellor specialising in this area.

For further information and support visit: hfea.gov.uk.
#whoismydonor

Angela is Chair of the British Infertility Counselling Association (BICA), counsellor representative for British Fertility Society (BFS) and has specialised in fertility counselling within the NHS and private practice since 2004.

Angela has written and spoken about the emotional impact of infertility and has co-authored BICA Guidelines for Good Practice in Fertility Counselling 4th Ed. 2019 and Counselling in Surrogacy in UK Licensed Centres (2021). Her recent research and writing have focused on Covid-19’s impact on UK counselling provision and patients’ experiences, the emotional, physical and psychological impact of infertility in the workplace and counselling challenges associated with donor conception and surrogacy.

Angela is driven to improve professional standards in fertility counselling; the psychological support, provision and accessibility of information and fair treatment for patients.