Donor conception: “It’s perfectly normal to be curious about your donor(s)”

You first accessed non-identifying information about your donors from the HFEA, what were you hoping to find out?

When I was 17, I applied to the HFEA for non-identifying information about my donors. I had been aware from a young age that I wouldn’t be able to access much information about them and I was happy with that. I was intrigued to find out how old they were and what they might look like (loose physical characteristics such as their hair colour, eye colour, height etc.). My mum had said I might be provided with a short pen portrait detailing some information about their interests, but I knew that this was optional and may not be available. I was also curious to know if I had any donor siblings. Before applying, I consulted the HFEA website, which was very informative as to the exact nature of the information that I would receive and in line with my initial expectations. Upon receipt of the non-identifying information, I was pleasantly surprised that a brief description of my donor’s interests and personality was included.

You used direct-to-consumer DNA testing to find out the identity of your egg donor, Marie, what were you hoping for when you made contact?

I was hoping to find out a bit more information about my genetic heritage and medical history. I wasn’t expecting a relationship at all, but Marie was thrilled that I had got in touch, and everything developed from there. We corresponded through email and messages and then after a couple of months my mum, brother and I met Marie. Sadly, my sperm donor passed away many years ago so I was unable to make contact with him.

You had some counselling with someone specialising in donor conception, can you tell us about that?

I didn’t feel I needed counselling as I’d had a very positive experience of being donor-conceived and didn’t have any issues. This was largely because my mum had made a concerted effort to be open and honest with me from the very beginning. I have a very close relationship with my mum and so, I’ve always had a safe space with her to explore my thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement. There are, however, many donor-conceived people who don’t have anyone that they can confide in, therefore counselling can be extremely helpful.

I had two sessions of intermediary counselling with a BICA (British Infertility Counselling Association) counsellor who had experience mediating contact between donor conceived people and their donor(s). I appreciated talking to a counsellor who understood donor conception, so I didn’t have to overly explain my situation. We discussed my donor conception journey up to that point and what I was hoping for in the future. In these sessions, we were able to cover what would be involved in the process of contacting my donor, alongside potential scenarios for how this may or may not progress.

Do you have any advice for donor-conceived people who want to talk to their parent(s) before contacting their donor?

This is a difficult question for me to answer, as everyone’s relationship with their parent(s) is different. The process of contacting your donor can be quite a journey and so having the support of your parent(s) is really helpful. It’s perfectly normal to be curious about your donor(s). Try and talk to your parent(s) about it if you can as it’s always best to be honest and open about something which may be quite significant for you.

Do you have any advice for donor-conceived people thinking about contacting their donor?

When I decided to contact my donor, I only ever considered doing this through an intermediary. It was very important to me that she was provided with an independent means of support to discuss how she felt about me getting in contact. Having been born at a time when I would only have access to non-identifying information about my donors, I felt very lucky to have the opportunity to contact Marie. I wrote my letter from the standpoint that this may be the only correspondence I would ever have and I wanted to thank her and her husband for their altruism. Any information Marie might be willing to share with me would simply be a bonus. I think it’s important to manage expectations when contacting a donor and to be aware that they may not want further contact.

My first letter was brief, as I didn’t want to overwhelm Marie with information. If further contact followed, we would have the opportunity to share information and get to know each other in our own time. I asked if Marie might be willing to help me find out more information, but made it clear that I would understand and respect her decision if she didn’t want any further contact. Writing a letter to a donor can be quite difficult, but a counsellor experienced in matters around donor conception can advise you on the process, sometimes even providing resources such as letter templates.

Can you tell us what happened when you met your donor Marie, your full genetic sibling Colin, and half-sibling Omar?

I first met Marie when I travelled with my family to her home in Norway. The whole experience felt surreal as it was something I’d never imagined would happen. We were very excited to meet Marie and what followed was a special experience for us all. When I first made contact, I didn’t know I was going to meet Marie, let alone her children too. It was wonderful that they were also happy that I’d reached out. Marie and her children, Colin my full sibling and Omar my half sibling, were so kind and lovely and we got on really well.

The idea of genetic mirroring, whereby you recognise similarities between yourself and others you’re genetically related to, interested me partly as a scientist but mainly because it was something I had never experienced. It felt strange to see someone that looked like me, especially as Colin looks quite similar to me! It meant the world to me that my family and I made the journey to Norway together as I couldn’t have imagined doing it without my two best friends by my side.

Since our first meeting, Marie and I message each other regularly and also correspond through letters - a practice we are both passionate about keeping alive! She’s become a very special friend to us all. I’m also in contact with Colin and Omar and we’re hoping to meet up again soon.

About Isabel

Isabel is donor-conceived and was born following the use of an embryo which was anonymously donated by a couple following their own successful fertility treatment. Isabel and her family recently explored more about her genetic heritage on the ITV documentary series “Born From The Same Stranger”, which resulted in her finding her donors and two genetic siblings. Isabel is very passionate about women’s health and is currently studying a PhD in Reproductive Biology at The University of Manchester.